Anyone for crabs?
A man boarded an airplane in New
Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to
take care of the box
for him. She took the box and promised to put it in
the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her
personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen,
mentioned that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them
thaw out..
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New
York , she used the
intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would
the gentleman who gave me
the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your
hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate
them.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn..
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
A big thank you from to a Lumberjock!
Nursery Rhymes for aging adults #1
Nursery Rhymes for aging adults #1
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Nursery Rhymes for aging adults #2
Nursery Rhymes for aging adults #2
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Nursery Rhymes for aging adults #7
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Nursery Rhymes for aging adults #8
Nursery Rhymes for aging adults #8
THE THREE NUNS
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME..
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH.. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA.. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO.. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH.. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA.. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO.. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch....
She's such a bitch....
7 reasons not to mess with children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now,class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now,class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples.
Post Election Partying!!!
I just got this from a friend and I find it quite entertaining
A "Gassy" situation
My buddy Odie, a fellow Lumberjock member sent me some "Gassy" pics today. I thought I would share a couple. However I just now left the gas station and our local gas today is a CHEAP $2.50.9/10 a gallon ! Whoo Hoo!!!
Toilet Humor
Yesterday I went to our bathroom to do bathroom stuff and I found something in there a little odd. So I walked back out to my living room where my "hubby" and a back house renter that I will just call "R" for renter were sitting. I said
He kept insisting he had flushed the toilet. By now I had him thoroughly embarrassed and I was starting to have a great deal of fun at his expense.
I finally just said "Look "R" why don't you just go look. Standing and mumbling , he sheepishly headed towards our bathroom. By the time he got into the hallway I was busting up laughing!
This is what he found in our toilet. Seems "hubby" was too lazy to get a bucket of water for our maul, (I am always just calling them axes) (He was swelling the handle to the head)
And my room mate "R"? He says I got one coming and I probably do, but truth be told all I said was
It was his assuming that caused it all!
"Good God, who needs the axe in the toilet?""R" jumps with words and says
"I flushed the toilet"I then said,
"Then why do you need an axe ?"(I realized at that moment he had no clue what I was talking about sooo I decided to play on it!)
He kept insisting he had flushed the toilet. By now I had him thoroughly embarrassed and I was starting to have a great deal of fun at his expense.
I finally just said "Look "R" why don't you just go look. Standing and mumbling , he sheepishly headed towards our bathroom. By the time he got into the hallway I was busting up laughing!
This is what he found in our toilet. Seems "hubby" was too lazy to get a bucket of water for our maul, (I am always just calling them axes) (He was swelling the handle to the head)
"Good God, who needs the axe in the toilet?"
It was his assuming that caused it all!
Just some last day election humor
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re
not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in,” says the senator. “Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.” “Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator. “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven .” So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.” The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.” So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above… The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?” The devil looks at him, smiles and says…....”Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in,” says the senator. “Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.” “Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator. “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven .” So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.” The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.” So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above… The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?” The devil looks at him, smiles and says…....”Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
Bald is beautiful and funny
Meaning and with the intent to place this on This too shall pass (thru) my what I consider to be my "humor" blog I thought to myself that although this is funny I also can't help but think that this man must have one helluva personality! To be able to turn what so many men deem a bummer (going bald) and play on it with humor, I find invigorating! He is bound to have a personality to match!
And my two cents,
I think bald is sexy.
401 KEG PLAN, your retirement planning!!!
Sarcasm or reality, I guess it would depend on who you ask. I received this from my friend John to put on my other blog This too shall pass (thru). I just had tp post it here also. Wow, what a message huh?
Peace!!!
Allison
Good advice.
.....so, how goes YOUR retirement planning?????
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now
be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1, 000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all
the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, You would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily
and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
Peace!!!
Allison
Good advice.
.....so, how goes YOUR retirement planning?????
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now
be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1, 000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all
the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, You would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily
and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
End of summertime blues!
Another one I could put on This too shall pass (thru) but decided to share here. I personally needed the laugh. I hate to see summer end and I have sort of had the blues behind it. I love the sun and the warmth. I am not particularly looking forward to the winter, cold, firewood, etc. So I am thankful my friend John sent me this one. It kind of puts me in a place that says "Yea, I am bummed out summeris ending, but by God I know a half a dozen means six" And for that I am grateful. LOL!!!
ONE
Recently when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.' 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local
Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her, 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'
EIGHT
Police in Radnor , PA interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911, very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room--the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer..... ' Dispatcher: 'Rush him to the emergency room!'
ONE
Recently when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.' 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local
Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her, 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'
EIGHT
Police in Radnor , PA interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911, very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room--the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer..... ' Dispatcher: 'Rush him to the emergency room!'
